


Dear Occupant

by Vyola



Series: Vyola's Sentinel Stories [6]
Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 06:05:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/794720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vyola/pseuds/Vyola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The catalogue designed with Sentinel and Guide in mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Occupant

Stop! Don't throw this catalog away! 

Sure you're inundated with junk mail. 

Sure 'Special Offers' and 'Bargain Buys' appear in your e-mail box every day. 

But this offer is different. 

This is the catalog with _you_ in mind! 

It's Amazing! It's Incredible! 

You'll find a use for _every single item_ we offer or your money back.* 

(*Or the equivalent in cowry shells, which are legal tender among some obscure tribes in the South Sea archipelagos.) 

Just take a look at some of the remarkable products we are offering:  
  


PHOBIA-B-GON(tm) 
    \---Just a pinch between cheek and gum and you too can laugh at heights.* 
    (*The work 'laugh' is used here to designate a hysterical giggle which may or may not descend into maniacal chuckles. Not guaranteed 100% effective when used in helicopters, elevators, emergency airlift situations, over waterfalls, on stepstools or over two feet above sea level.) 
       

LUBE IN A TUBE (tm)(patent pending) 
    \---You'll wonder how you ever lived without it! 
    Tired of reaching for the lube during those heated moments and winding up with an unexpected fluoride treatment instead? This is the product for you! Our special LUBE IN A TUBE(tm) is designed for maximum 'findability': 
       


  * -It glows in the dark! 
  * -It's stamped in Braille! 
  * -And if you still can't find it, our patent-pending design includes a sonic signature -- a high-pitched tone audible to dogs and throwbacks to primitive man! 


    Order by the case -- you don't want to be caught high and dry! 
       

TISKET-TASKET BY-THE-DOOR KEY BASKET(tm) 
    \--- Never lose your keys again! Quantities limited. Order before they just disappear! 
       

PRE-FORMATTED DIARY PAGES(tm) 
    \--- Have you always dreamed of keeping a journal but don't want the tedium of writing it? Try our exclusive pages, which fit all standard organizers, from Dayrunners to Filofaxes. 
    Was she blonde, brunette, or maybe redhead? Just fill in the blanks! Were leather collars and black lipstick involved? Check the appropriate box! Rank her on our internationally recognized* 'Oh, What a Night!' scale, from "Stacy" (pack her off to a convent school) to "Amber" (you know, you could make money doing this, kid). 
    (*Cascade and Seacouver, you pick the nations) 
    And don't forget the extra-large blank section at the bottom of each page, where you can record your innermost dreams and fantasies about co-workers, friends and research subjects. 
    Bonus Offer! Order a year's worth of diary pages and we'll throw in an organizer at no additional charge. The contemporary styling of this handsome binder is sure to win approval even if it falls into your roommate's hands. 

  


ORDER TODAY! SEND NO MONEY NOW!* 

(*A credit card number will be fine.)  
  



End file.
